Damn You, Hormones

There was more humping than usual going on at the drag show last night. I mentioned this to my friend who simply smiled and said to me, “It’s Spring.” Ah, yes, Spring, the time of year when we all start humping each other uncontrollably. Indeed.

Libido translates as the “desire to create.” That makes sense, what with the world coming to life around us, that we humans choose to celebrate being alive by creating more life. Or maybe it’s just a biological excuse to take our pants off and rub up against each other. Freud says (and trust me, I’m paraphrasing) the libido comes from the id, or unconscious part of the mind where all urges and desires come from (the part of the mind that generally rules my life). Basically, the id is the “I want it NOW!” part of your mind.

I myself am not immune to this “Spring is in the Air,” (pheromones on the breeze) shit that’s going around right now (I’d rather have swine flu). I don’t need anything heightening my sexual drive. My sexual drive is already dangerously high and has been since I was four. I’ve just gotten it under control (by locking myself inside my apartment so that I am not a danger to myself or others). You should be thanking me. If I was a super-hero (or villain) my super-power would be to fuck the life out of (or into) everyone (note to self: comic book idea!). And who’s to say I’m not, but that’s an idea for another day.

Every super-hero has their kryptonite, just as every person has their Achilles’ heel, and my Achilles’ heel is in my ass, or to be more specific, someone else’s ass. I am an ass man, always have been, always will be. There’s nothing in this world like a nice ass. And I have seen the most amazing ass ever. I won’t tell you who or where, but trust me, it exists, and it is high and tight and round and meaty and magnificent. I will spare you the details of the thoughts that run through my mind, but let’s just say that the sight of this ass completely unraveled me- literally unraveled any self-control I had and turned me into a pulsing hot ball of desire. Seeing that ass was like hearing a chorus of angels praising god’s name. Oh god, that ass.

Buddhists say that desire is the root of all unhappiness, and to achieve nirvana, we must eliminate desire. Now, I am not a Buddhist, but I know that when I do not get what I want, I am extremely unhappy. So I am trying to control my id. I am denying my desires to achieve inner peace. But Dr. Freud says that if I don’t expel this energy, it’s only going to find another outlet. I mean, it’s one of the laws of physics- energy is never lost, just transferred, which may be why I’m so unhappy. Perhaps what Dr. Freud is saying is that we should not try to control our desires, but instead give into them, for when you try to control desire, it only ends in frustration.

I like Freud’s theory a lot more than Buddha’s theory of denial, but what to do with my newly formed pledge to stop getting involved with stupid boys? And Hot Ass Guy is no doubt a stupid boy (aren’t they all?), albeit willing and able. Spring, you bastard. You know I won’t be happy until I’ve had him. But will I be unhappy once I’ve had him? So here we are, Buddha on one shoulder telling me to ignore all my desires, Freud on the other telling me to jump his bones, and in front of me, the most gorgeous piece of ass god ever created. What’s a girl to do?