My New Boyfriend

Apparently the Universe had been reading my blog. It seems to have particularly enjoyed my article entitled “Damn You, Hormones” in which I cataloged my current struggles with my libido, as a result of seeing someone who has literally made me go crazy with desire. I ended the article by saying, “So here we are, Buddha on one shoulder telling me to ignore all my desires, Freud on the other telling me to jump his bones, and in front of me, the most gorgeous piece of ass god ever created. What’s a girl to do?” The Universe has given me the answer.

I had decided, quite obviously, to jump the man in question, but only after getting to know him, because in the past when I jump people’s bones or fall drunkenly into bed with them it generally comes back to bite me in the ass, and I’m trying to avoid that. So I decided to court the man in question and was going to put my plan into action today.

I woke up from an amazingly pleasant and realistic dream this morning and the second I opened my eyes, I sensed that something was not quite right. Immediately, a feeling of impending doom descended upon the day. Not today, I thought. Shit. I quickly started to search for the cause. Is everyone ok? Has anything happened? No bad messages on my phone, and my friends were fine, better than fine.

So I checked my email. It may surprise you to learn that I am a student of astrology. What?! Kate, you? You’re so practical and down to earth. Yes, I study the movement of the planets and their effect on our lives. Every morning I get an email with the cosmic happenings of the day- what’s in retrograde, who’s aligning, etc. Today, in addition to being a full moon, my email tells me, today is the day that Buddha returns to earth from his spiritual home to bless the faithful. Greeeaaaaaat.

I ignored this, being somewhat tortured physically and mentally by my insatiable craving for sex. I chatted with friends about their upcoming dates and what they’re going to wear, and they chatted with me about my crush and the craving kept growing and growing. So I decided to take a cold shower and relieve the tension. But relieve the tension I did not.

I realized that the Universe has answered my plea of “What’s a girl to do?” (A word of advice: Don’t ask for advice {especially from the Universe} if you’re not interested in taking it. It may not be what you want to hear.) The Universe wants me to channel my sexual energy, not spend it, and use it to rise to a higher plane of existence and understanding. I just wanted to get laid without it backfiring for once.

So I thought about it (because I am never one to just follow orders, even if those orders come from the highest powers). Any relationship that I have with a man, no matter how healthy it is, will be, in the end, flawed because humans are flawed. If I instead devote my energy to a relationship with the divine, well then, that’s just perfect. Perhaps Buddha is the one man who can truly satisfy me. Perhaps not, but there’s only one way to find out; meditation, not masturbation.

As it turns out, my new boyfriend is Buddha. I guess he's a crush on me for a while and finally made his move. I did not see that one coming. Go figure- the one guy I can't use my sexual powers on. We’re taking it slow, getting to know one another, but I gotta, say, it feels right. Finally! someone who loves me for my mind. Already I feel calmer, more peaceful and all those nasty little urges and chaotic voices are long gone. So keep it in your pants, Hot Ass Guy! Unless, of course, the path to enlightenment is in there…