Top Ten Reasons I Love Being Single

My roommate and I were having a conversation a few weeks ago. “Where’s your girlfriend?’ I asked, since I was shocked to see him by himself. They literally spend every moment together. Some might find that kind of relationship cloying. They work together. they’re together every night, they even do his laundry together. I wouldn’t be surprised if they wipe each other in the bathroom. “She’s coming over later,” he said. “Don’t you ever get tired of that?” I asked. “No,” he said. “Haven’t you ever met someone you wanted to spend every second with?” My skin is still crawling.

A lot of people have been coming to me for relationship advice recently (or have I just been telling people what to do again?). I have no problem, okay, limited problems with relationships in general, but I definitely have a problem with relationships for the wrong reasons. Question number one for you is “Why am I in this relationship?” I will tell you the correct answers at the end of this article.

Either way, my answer to any and all relationship questions is, “Break up with them.” Not (necessarily) because I’m bitter or because I don’t believe in love. I’m sure that a healthy relationship can be very fulfilling. But many times people will stay in unhealthy relationships and play pretend that everything is going to work out because they’re afraid to be alone. That’s one way to do it. I have another suggestion.

Break up with them. Breaking up with someone is the best thing you can do for yourself. Not only is it a fantastic diet, but it strips away all the layers of supposed external satisfaction and achievement, and breaks you down to the very core of your being. A lot of people like to avoid this because it brings you face to face with yourself, with the reality of who you are, and most of the time, it ain’t pretty. I like to call this “The Cocoon of Pain.”

Then, you rebuild. You fix all those ugly things you saw about yourself. It’s an opportunity to become a better person, a person wholly unfathomable to the person you were. You become strong from the inside out. Because once and only once you’re strong and happy as an individual, can you be happy in a relationship. I mean really peacefully eternally truthfully satisfied, not fantasy/infatuation/endorphin-induced blindly “happy.” (You know who you are. Please stop making out on public transportation. You nauseate the rest of us.)

And being single is a ball, let me tell you. Every time you people call me and complain about your boyfriend, I thank my lucky stars I don’t have to put up with anyone’s bullshit but my own. You come into this world alone, you leave it alone, so get comfortable with it. You’ll find out it’s pretty fantastic. Will I be single forever? Probably, it’s pretty awesome. And maybe one day down the road I’ll meet a boy who has his shit together and isn’t a jerk or a moron and is happy just by himself. When that day comes, I’ll jump out of my wheelchair and do a dance.

Here are some of the more petty things I enjoy about being single:

1. I don’t have to share anything. Ever.
2. I can spend as much time as I like getting ready to go somewhere without anyone getting on my case about it.
3. No one tells me I have too many shoes.
4. Life is a sexual smorgasbord.
5. I don’t have to watch Mythbusters or Cartoon Network.
6. If I snore, no one wakes me up to tell me about it.
7. I don’t have to goad anyone to clean their ears or clip their toenails.
8. No one tries to get me to go camping.
9. I do it right. Every time.
10. I can sing along to Sister Act II without the fear of being mocked by people who clearly don’t understand the genius of Sister Act II.

Many of you will read this and agree with me in principle and then go back to “Why won’t he call me,” or “He said he’ll never cheat again.” That’s your prerogative. Relationships are complicated and I can’t tell you what’s best for you. But I will anyway. Break up with him. Remember when I asked you why are you in this relationship? Do you have your answer ready? Ok, tell me.

That’s bullshit. If your answer begins with “because,” then it’s the wrong answer. Do yourself a favor and listen to your Aunty Foxy. Break up with him. If it's really meant to be, it'll work itself out in the big somewhere out there. But for now, you need to dump his ass.

On a side note, I will be starting a website called “Ask Foxy,” where you can write to me with any and all of your little problems, be they relationship, health, beauty, style, etiquette, or existential, and I will give you my unadulterated answer. Because everyone needs a little of me in their lives.