A Civilized Bush

Today, we will be discussing horticulture. (Dad, this would be a great article for you to skip.) I am not talking about gardening if you get my drift.

I think it is important for all of us to be well maintained. There are several reasons for this. First of all, bathing suit season is upon us, and it’s just rude to walk around with your bush hanging out of your bikini. The same way it’s rude for those of you who don’t shave your armpits. I get it, with the feminism, but nobody wants to see that. Secondly, the more prepared you are for sex, the more likely you are to have it. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, it’s in your best interest to make that an inviting area- a place someone would like to spend some quality time. Plus, its helpful for them to be able to see what they’re working with- most of them have plenty of trouble down there as it is.

I’m a big proponent of the “bush is back” movement. No offense to you ladies, because I’m sure a lot of you are bare down there, but it’s just so not my thing. Pre-pubescent is a look that went out with me a long time ago. Not to mention that that hair is there for a reason. I can’t imagine how badly you get chaffed. But while I do endorse a healthy growth, too much bush is just too much. Think more Halle Berry, less Pam Grier.

And gentleman, no one is leaving you out of this conversation. Puh-lease take care of your business. Trim and clean boys, that’s all you need to remember. Keep it trim and for god’s sake, keep it clean.

Not all of the hair gets to stay though. As a guideline, think back to kindergarten coloring: stay inside the lines. There are several methods for hair removal, and all of them suck. Let’s discuss them one by one.

Waxing: I’m a girl who never says never, but when it comes to waxing, never is the first word that comes to mind. Why on earth would I pay $40 every month to have someone rip my pubic hair out with hot wax? I mean, I’m kinky, but that’s just wrong. Just. Plain. Wrong. Moving on.

Shaving: Great for the moment but hell later on. Instant and painless but shaving is problematic for several reasons. Firstly, it’s not an area with high visibility. Secondly, you shave with razors. Razors are sharp. I try to avoid contact between sharp metal objects and my genitals. Thirdly, the itch factor- it’s impossible to get through the day when you’re that itchy in that area (diaper rash ointment helps).

Trimming: Scissors also fall under the “sharp objects don’t belong near my genitals” category. Generally the best way to keep things in line, but still doesn’t take care of the “outside the lines” hair. Which brings me to my next topic…

Tweezing: I like tweezing. I find it therapeutic (because I have OCD). Tweezing is more controlled and less “kill me now” painful than waxing. However, tweezing down there just makes them angry. And when they get angry, they make you miserable. Two words for you: Ingrown Hair.

So really there’s no great way to go around this. Pick your poison, but take care of business. A little discomfort is no reason to let your shit get all out of whack. See you at the beach.