A lot of people objected to the use of the term “ghetto” in the title of this blog, but what I have to say to them is, I slept with a plastic bag on my head last night. I’m qualified.
It all started about nine months ago. I had decided, on a lark, to enter a beauty pageant. And, I further decided, if I am going to compete in a beauty pageant, I’m going full-throttle, so I decided it was time to be blond again. And god sent me an angel in the form of my new colorist (who has since deserted me to pursue her own life- the selfish bitch) who got me blonder than I’ve been since I was ten and my hair was whiter than the driven snow (with green chlorine highlights).
Can I just say, I love being blond. I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it, I love it. When my colorist would rinse me in the sink and the overwhelming stench of ammonia smacked me in the nostrils like a pimp with a pistol, I found heaven. “More blond!” I kept saying. As a result, my hair got a little fried.
So now, with no colorist left to indulge my jones for peroxide, god has sent me another angel; a friend whose father is African and who knows a bit about troubled hair. She is my hair guru. And boy did I need her. So she took me to hair mecca- the beauty supply store. Since I live in the ghetto (or in a luxury high-rise with a swimming pool and tennis courts adjacent to the ghetto, if you want to be precise) there were two such stores not five minutes from my house across the street from each other.
Beauty may be pain, but hair care is a science. Why didn’t they teach this stuff in school? So much more practical than anything I ever leaned in chemistry. Apparently, there’s all this really intense cellular structure, but here is what is boils down to: Protein makes the inside of your hair strong, and keratin makes the outside of your hair strong. Your hair must have both protein and moisture to be healthy. Not too much protein, or too much moisture. Just like Goldilocks, it must be just right. Also, during the course of my investigation, I discovered that sex is good for stimulating healthy hair growth because it increases blood flow in your scalp. You’re welcome.
If you have very little self-control, a beauty supply store is not the place you should be. They have brushes of every shape and size, weave of every color and texture, and make-up and jewelry and nail polish, oh my! It’s a magical place. Everything is so cheap it’s nearly irresistible. I managed to walk out with only a minor amount of damage, and a new hair care regime: a keratin spray for post-shower, a can of oil for when I have to blow dry, a daily protein conditioner, weekly deep conditioner (which I am to wear while I am sleeping with a plastic bag on my head), and a new tube of lipstick.
After all, just because my hair’s a mess, doesn’t mean the rest of me should be.
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