Cinderella Must be Stopped

Karl Marx said that religion is the opiate of the masses. I say Fairy Tales are the opiates of women. They’ve been crammed down our throat for centuries to ensure that we wed and procreate. And by we, I mean girls, because if we don’t do it, ain’t nobody gonna do it, and then, bye bye humanity. I mean, it’s not like birthing is a pleasant process (except hopefully the conception, but then there’s no guarantee on that, is there?).

And that’s really the whole point of the fairy tale, isn’t it? Procreation. Oooh, I’m going to gestate a life form for almost a year inside my body, have it suck all the nutrients out of me and then it’s going to emerge out of my WHAT? You must be out your damn mind. That’s why we have to seduce ourselves, so to speak, with this whole “true love” and "marriage” idea. Diamond rings dangle in front of us like shiny carrots in front of a plow horse and if there’s anything a woman will fall for, it’s something shiny.

Fairy Tales began centuries ago as a way to teach little girls lessons about life- Some of them were practical lessons- like Little Red Riding Hood; don’t trust “wolves” because they just want to “eat” you… and your grandmother and anyone else they can get their hands on. True dat. But what are the stories boys grow up on? Peter Pan the perpetual child, which isn’t really a fairy tale at all, is it? Well besides that there’s… uh… I’m sure there’s one… hmmm.

But when we’re talking about Fairy Tales, I think we all know whom the big culprits are- Cinderella, I’m looking at you. Listen girl, I know you had a hard life, and your family treats you poorly (don’t even get me started), and you met this great guy, but can you not flaunt it in front of the rest of us? The other girls are getting ideas. Didn’t anyone ever teach you that you don’t share happiness? You ferret it away so no one can ruin it. Get with the program.

Now, I love a fabulous dress and a big party and lots of presents as much as (or more than) the next girl, but this whole “happily ever after” thing is a sham. I mean, we all saw what happened to Jessica Simpson. It is incredibly dangerous for women to walk around with this “Someday my Prince will come…” mentality. One day, poof! there he’ll be, rescuing you from your wretched life, and then everything will be perfect and birds will sing and unicorns will dance and a beautiful rainbow will appear above you and you’ll be happy and taken care of forever.

I was kind of hoping to, you know, travel the world, achieve nirvana, write the next Great American Novel, but if I can just sit here and wait for one of these boneheads to pull his head out of his dirty ass long enough to put a chip of diamond on my finger and knock me up to get my happy ending, then I’ll cancel my plans! I want off this ride.

I’m not denouncing love. Love is great. I love love. All I am saying is that if we don’t stop romanticizing the whole breeding process, we’re never going to move forward as a society. Why did the price marry Cinderella? I’m sure he liked her and thought she was cute and had killer shoes, but that’s not why he married her. Why do people get married? No, dear, not because they love each other- have you been paying attention? People get married to (let’s all say it together) legitimize heirs. Correct.

If I have a baby, it’s going to be because I want to create an army of little bubble-busters to carry on for me or because the birth control failed, not because I’m in love with the idea of getting married and having babies. If you’re lucky ladies, you may end up legally committed to a man who can string more than two complete sentences together and occasionally cleans up after himself, but I wouldn’t hold your breath. All of those men are gay.