The Importance of Straight Male Friends

I talk a lot about my love for the gay male population. Gay men are just about the best thing that ever happened to straight women. They’re intelligent, witty, have great taste in musicals, like to shop, dress well, and the more fabulous you are, the more they adore you. I want to live in a society where fabulosity is rewarded.

However, there is one small problem… The gays won’t sleep with us (well… sometimes some of the gays will sleep with some of us, but that is another article altogether). And since women, unfortunately, are not yet biologically wired to handle merely physical relationships, we must interact with the non-gays; aka the “guys.”

I was always one of the guys; until it became quite physically obvious that I was not. As a kid, all my friends were boys. I was not interested in playing “house” or “dolls” and I’m still not. It’s so difficult to find chicks that are cool, and I honestly prefer running around and getting dirty. But as soon as I got my boobies, I got kicked out of the “guy” club.

A male-female relationship always begs the question, Sex? With the gay males, you know exactly where you stand. Love, yes. Sex, no. Women tend to be generally ok with this kind of relationship (see also: marriage). But if I may paraphrase Carrie’s mother (Carrie the telekinetic, not Carrie the writer), “First the blood, then the boys…” They’re constantly sniffing around us, like dogs. “Sex? Sex? Sniff, sniff. Sex?” They stick their snouts in the most inappropriate places.

But if you’re lucky enough to move past the sniffing, straight guys are great to hang out with. Women seldom discover this because either they’re grossed out by the sniffing, or they’re scouting for potential mates. One of the reasons males and females have such a hard time understanding each other (besides that women don’t like being sniffed and men don’t like being scouted) is because once we all hit puberty we become very guarded in our interactions with one another. There is probably good reason for this because I’ve been told by a number of men that if we ever really knew what they talked about it would blow our minds. I’m pretty filthy and they won’t even tell me, so it can’t be good.

But every great once in a while, its great to set aside the question of Sex?, get a beer (or 8) and just be people. Once Sex? is out of the way, everyone can just relax and have a good time. Ladies, when you’re not measuring their flaws against some imaginary “ideal man” straight guys are pretty cool. And gentlemen, there are people trapped under these boobies. Everyone likes to be liked just for them. So can we all please just forget about sex every once in a while and hang out?