Good Men with Bad Taste in Women

While chatting with my friend Alex, I came up with this week’s article idea. He says not to forget the gays. As if. The reason I love gay men so much (can I write one article without mentioning this? Yeeesh…) is because they have fabulous taste in women. The gays only approve the coolest chicks. That’s because to them, we’re not necessary, so they don’t need to keep us around. They choose to keep company with us. And the best of all the gays, drag queens and trannies, emulate us directly. And by us, I mean fabulous women.

You can tell a lot about a man by three things: Ladies, pay attention.

1. His handshake. If he shakes like a cold fish, he’ll fuck like one too.

2. The way he runs. Also a direct indicator of the way a man fucks. That’s why I spend so much time at the pond scoping out runners.

3. His taste in women.

A person’s choice in a mate is one of the most important and telling choices of their life. Some people say, “You can’t choose who you love.” Those people have clearly never been to therapy. Your choice in a mate reflects your self-esteem, your psychological make-up, and the world you want to create for yourself. Like for instance, I want to be black, so I’m going to make babies with a black man. (Someone get the smelling salts- my mom just fainted.) Then there will be little black Kates in the world.

My personal dating history is comically dismal. The only man I’ve attempted to partner with (sex partners don’t count) was a PhD from MIT. It was like holding a winning lottery ticket and then realizing you misread one of the numbers. I’m holding out for something better. Yes, my standards are high, but shouldn’t they be? To quote Cher in Clueless, “You see how picky I am about my shoes and they only go on my feet.”

Unfortunately, the dating pool is so shallow that I couldn’t drown in it if I was trapped face down under an elephant. Um, hi… aren’t there like 3 billion men in the world? WTF? I’m not the kind of woman who needs a man, but I’m a woman who has needs, and I’d prefer those needs to be met by someone I don’t need to send a doctor’s bill to and can carry on a conversation with that doesn’t include the constant response, “You’re so sexy.”

There is nothing worse than seeing a potentially great guy and finding out he has terrible taste in women. Terrible taste in women includes but is not limited to:

1. Subservient women: Women who will cook, clean, do your laundry, do your errands, wipe your bum and actually enjoy doing it. Also includes younger women and women who appear very young. Men who like this type of women have serious power issues. They also probably have a really small penis.

2. Women with low self-esteem: Chicks who will do just about anything to keep you. Women like this need a man to feel good about themselves, and these men need women to need them to feel good about themselves. Men who like this kind of woman tend to have an inflated ego because they themselves have poor self-esteem and sociopathic tendencies.

3. Women who giggle: Deep breath. Women who giggle make me lose. my. damn. mind. Seriously, I want to punch them. What the hell is so funny? Is that really all you have to offer? Hello, is anyone home? You know how some people say that Joyce’s Ulysses is like literary masturbation? Women who giggle are like relationship masturbation. They are an “empty vessel” if you will- human vaginas. Men who go for these types are so insecure in their own masculinity that they need to be with the emotional equivalent of a four-year old girl to feel like a man. They also tend to be very emotionally distant.

4. Manipulative Women: These are the types of women who are all sweetness at the beginning and then fake a pregnancy to get a ring. These women are craaaaazyyy. Men who stick with manipulative women are either too stupid to realize they’re being manipulated or are so indifferent to life beyond keg-stands that they don’t care.

5. Controlling Women: See also, manipulative women. Women who think they “own” their men and treat them like toddlers. These women castrate their mates, put the balls in their purses, and then force the castrated men to carry the purses. These men clearly enjoy being punished. See also: sadomasochism.

6. Sluts: See also: Women with low self-esteem.

We’ve lost a lot of good men who could have been great men to women like this. Can a man outgrow bad taste in women? Ha. I read somewhere that the problem with men is that they never change and the problem with women is that they constantly change. So it’s the strong women, the smart women, the superstar women who are left without partners. It takes a very extraordinary man to partner an extraordinary woman.

Take for instance, my friend Nicole. Nicole is stunning; she’s in grad school, self-sufficient, built like a brick house, dry as toast and funny as hell. She came to Boston thinking she’d find someone great, someone smart and cultured and mature. What did she get? A homeless man audibly admired her ass on the street last week. So we were talking about it- maybe Boston just doesn’t have any guys… uh yeah right. There are millions of single guys here in Boston. But the ones who aren’t taken or gay are teeming with syphilis. So my little rock star Nicole has nothing better to do on a Thursday night than hear me sing bad karaoke at a piano bar.

Listen up boys: y’all need to get your act together. There are soooo many amazing women in the world, which you know if you interrupted your constant mental stream of “boobies, boobies, boobies...” once in a while and paid attention. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you? Are you seriously happy with these sub-par women you’ve been dating, fucking, and hooking up with? If so, I’m going to need to speak to someone. What, are you intimidated? You don’t think you’re good enough for intelligent, ambitious, gorgeous women? Good! You should be. Because right now you bottom feeders aren’t good enough for great women. But let me tell you something, man up and step up your game. Be good enough.

Cause superstar women are amazing in bed.