The Doctor is In

I was told yesterday that I have no business giving relationship advice. I know; I’m as shocked as you are. This was not, mind you, from a dissatisfied customer, it was said to me by a wanna-be psychiatrist friend of mine (and by wanna-be, I mean diploma-in-hand and getting certified). This is also the same man who applauded me for NOT making a joke when someone made a comment about coming through the “back door.” So, I don’t know how much to trust his judgment.

He happens to be happily married, whatever that means. The idea of being “happily married” for me is like being chained to a radiator in an igloo. People in healthy relationships are like people who are naturally tall and skinny- nobody likes you very much, and nobody wants to hear what you have to say. At least, I don’t.

People want advice from people who have experience, i.e. have made a lot of mistakes. And in this way, I am uniquely qualified to give relationship advice (actually, in this way, I am qualified to give advice on pretty much everything). Besides, people wouldn’t ask for my advice if they didn’t want to hear it. It’s like when my boss asked my opinion on the “Miss California” debacle. You may not know what I’m going to say, but I’m sure you have a pretty good idea before you ask.

Besides, not everyone wants to hear, “you’ll work it out.” It takes a very brave, truth-seeking (or mayhaps the masochistic) person to ask for my advice about relationships. Because I’m not going to tell you to work it out. I’m concerned about your ultimate well-being, not your transient happiness. I’m not sure you can work it out, and I’m not sure you should even try. It depends on the relationship, but I’m probably going to tell you to break up. Chances are, I’ve been in a similar situation, because I’ve been through a lot of shitty relationships. So I know the territory. And I know how to get you out.

I salute you, brave people who ask for my relationship advice. But I recognize my limitations (occasionally). I cannot tell you how to have a healthy relationship, I can only tell you how not to have an unhealthy relationship. So, for your benefit, I’ve decided to team up with my happy and healthy doctor friend to write a book on relationships. Because you need options, and everyone sees things differently. So you’ll have his well-adjusted clinically approved opinion, and the benefit of my fucked up experience.

He suggests we title the book, “Total Opposites.”