Dear Publisher,

Dear Publisher,

I am tired of being a victim of your incompetence, and the incompetence of your employees. I wish someone had made it clear to me in the beginning that the copies of my "book" you told me were to be produced, would not, in fact, be produced, so as to save me the two months I wasted working on this book for no money.

At this point, can we even call it a book since it does not exist in book form? I had been referring to it as my Downs Syndrome baby. Then I realized that I was only a surrogate for your Downs Syndrome baby, and I am saddened to hear that after cultivating, gestating, and nurturing your mentally handicapped offspring that you put it to sleep on its belly and it suffocated. I am, however, happy for the baby.

When I originally spoke with your editor, he told me the book would be in University bookstores and orientation packets, and the reason I had to produce it in three weeks was because you were going to get the book into students' hands for the fall semester. Apparently I was smoking crack that night, because nothing you've done since then has supported that goal.

I had then counted on receiving income from University sales, especially since my contract says "hard copies." I created a book out of thin air in three weeks, while eating spaghetti and moldy bread because I'm dead broke and was not doing this for love. I was doing this because you promised to put money in my pocket. Money so that I could buy things like fresh bread.

I was told that we had a deadline to meet. A deadline that has now come and gone. Orientations are over. Kids are in school. Way to go. I am astounded by your professionalism. My next book will be entitled, "How to Succeed in Business by Suing Your Publisher for Breech of Contract."

At this point, it's very difficult for me to trust your "tried and true process," since I've been deliberately misled through every step of this process. I took two months off work to dedicate myself to the creation of this book for your company. I'm a little perturbed. It's my fault really. I assumed I'd be working with people who had an IQ higher than 85.

I suppose that deadline is a foreign word to you. It's no big deal, really, you only run a publishing house. The final draft was supposed to have been due July 10, but since no one was there to edit the first draft because "all" your "editors" (i.e. The high school student whom you taught to use Track Changes) were on vacation, that "deadline" got pushed back. I wish I had been informed of that so I didn't forgo sleep for three weeks to finish a book that then sat on your "desks" untouched for two weeks while you were at the beach. The extra month I spent re-editing when I should have been working was exceptionally enjoyable.

In addition, I don't even know where this book is being marketed or distributed. I have been in contact with S (who is lovingly referred to in my circles as "Fucktard") from your marketing department. While I applaud your endeavor to hire the mentally challenged, can someone else please be assigned to my account? It took a week for her to respond to a question I had about the subject and word count of the articles you requested from me and she responded that she had to ask her manager.

I can't imagine why it takes one of your employees a week with help to answer a question about word count. I've asked her about the marketing plan because I planned to supplement your marketing with marketing on my end, but again, she has yet to respond to me. I can't do what you're asking me to do if your employees are unable to communicate with me.

I have found the experience of working with your company to be extraordinarily frustrating. If given the choice again, I would rather have been gang-banged by a group of silver-back gorillas while someone videotaped it. I would have made a lot more money and had a much better time.

Thank you,
Kate Stocks.

p.s. I would tell you where to stick your book, but you can't shove an e-book up your ass.